Blame the Mother All Over Again

Recently I read an article in a disability magazine called "People and Families" blaming the (aging) mother for holding back her disabled adult son to the point where he became totally dependent on her for everything. Even her other son put a blame on her for that. This article sickened me. What provoked me to write about it was when I spoke to a disability agency and the intake worker started telling me a story about a mother who "did everything for her son....". I recognized the story and felt the need to defend this poor defenseless mother. I have not heard about "blaming the mother" since doctors in the 1950s blamed the mother for the child's Autism by rejecting her fetus.

All this mother was guilty of was loving, caring, and nurturing her special child his whole lifetime with her. She laid the foundation for him to grow. You have to remember, when you raise a child, they get used to your "mothering" them. And, in return, a mother who cares dearly for her child becomes used to the nurturing over many, many years of sacrifice.

A developmentally disabled child will grow slower than an average child. Nurturing takes a much longer time period. As the mother ages, her whole life evolved around taking care of this dependent person. The dependent child gets used to the attention. It can make the dependent lazy. But, this was not meant to cause harm; it was done out of love and caring.

Unfortunately, also what people who "point the finger" don't realize is that the government agencies do not help a parent unless there is a "crisis" or the child is placed, possibly by court intervention. Even when a parent looks for help, you come to years of "dead ends" and unless you are strong and a fighter can you carry on without a breakdown of your sanity.

Help for families is always limited as well as placements. I sympathize with the poor mother who cares and worries for their disabled child so much that they become overprotective of them. Only someone who gives birth can understand this kind of bond to their child. There are parents of "normal" children who are overprotective, but having a developmentally disabled child it tends to be more so.

Most people and professionals I have encountered can not relate to this emotion. That is why I felt for the poor mother in the magazine article. I give her so much credit. After her son was placed he quickly blossomed with the right supports in the group home. People don't realize that he succeed quickly because his mother laid the groundwork for success. So, he was a late bloomer, but it turned out positive.